Thursday, July 27th

Me: You always read the front section of the paper, I rarely do. You should just fill me in on what's going on. What are you reading?
Husband: An article on the Russian sanctions.
Me: Oh?, And what's the story?
Husband: Trump is an asshole
Me: Oh *sigh* I get the same thing in the Style section.

Saturday, April 22nd

Husband: You're sweating...
Me: Yes, I've been scrubbing at that floor for an hour, it's hard work. I'm tired.
Husband: Used a lot of elbow grease, huh?
Me: Yes, when I clean I put some effort and muscle into it, not like some people I could name who just pat at the dirt.
Husband: Who me? I'm just very gentle.
Me: And the dirt is very grateful for the massage, so much so that it stays right where it is.

Tuesday, March 14th

Husband: Why are you rinsing out the milk container? Just screw the top back on and toss it in the trash.
Me: Barbarian! You always rinse out the empty milk container before tossing it.
Husband: But if you the screw the top back on it won't smell.
Me: Yes it will. And it doesn't matter. You always rinse the empty milk container. What's that saying "I'm not arguing with you, I'm just explaining why I am right" or "I'm not arguing with you, I'm just explaining why you're wrong" - either way it works.
Husband: You always explain things so cogently...
Me: Yes - the explanation is always - "Because I say so.."

Thursday, February 23rd

Me: Here's your sandwich - what kind did you get?
Husband: Ham and cheese..
Me: How pedestrian...
(Husband unwraps sandwich)
Me: Eww - Orange cheese. There is no cow that gives orange milk, therefore there is no such thing as orange cheese.
Me: (chanting) NO MORE ORANGE CHEESE. NO MORE ORANGE CHEESE.

Thursday, December 1st

Husband: If you hate this store so much why don't we go to another one. The Giant on Washington Street is a nice big store.
Me: And Giant prices are, well giant. And they don't do fresh sandwiches, and they don't carry Boars Head cold cuts. They don't carry any of the items we buy.
Husband: But you are always complaining about Harris Teeter, and they don't carry a lot of what we want.
Me: So - change from a store that carries some of the items we buy to a store that carries NONE of the items that we buy? This makes sense? How?
Husband: ------

Thursday, September 22nd

Me: Coke is on sale again this week - buy one, get one free
Husband: I don't need any.
Me: Just letting you know, I don't keep track of it.
Husband: I still have 10 packs in the closet and two in...
Me: Just letting you know, I don't want to have a conversation about it.
Husband: So coke is on sale this week?
Me: Yeah, buy one, get one free...

Sunday, June 19th

Husband: (after phone call from middle child) I can't remember the new kid's name!
Me: Amun - like the Egyptian god...
Husband: It's a stupid name.
Me: Well, she makes coffee for a living and her husband herds sheep - if they're happy...It's a good thing you never had expectations for your kids.
Husband: Expectations for my kids? I never had expectations for
Me & Husband simultaneously: Yourself/myself!
Husband: And I still don't.
Me: Well then at least you've never been disappointed or ever will be.